Instantly "Changed"?

“I prayed about same-sex attraction over and over and over again. I repented. I asked the Lord to take the feelings away. I went through an inner healing program. None of it changed my attractions.” – Chris

If you are a Christian leader who has met with anyone identifying as LGBTQ, you’ve likely experienced the despair of someone who believes “sexual orientation” is impossible to change. They seem to be unable to be free from unwanted sexual desires. No matter how much self-control they apply, the breakthrough appears unattainable. Often, prayer doesn’t seem to help. What could be wrong?

There are dozens of ways to understand this dilemma in the context of modern culture, but let us focus on two crucial factors—relational breakdown and spiritual immaturity—and how our “instant” culture is feeding both.

RELATIONAL BREAKDOWN

Over the last century, America has developed a society that lacks intimacy: the experience of feeling deeply known and highly valued. When my father was a child in the 1930s, his closest friends were his cousins. He grew up surrounded by generations of his own family, many of whom had never lived more than thirty minutes from where they were born. Over the course of his life, my father witnessed and participated in a tremendous technological revolution and its consequential impacts. Unlike his parents, he moved miles away from home to become a corporate professional. My brother and I grew up seeing our extended families just a few times a year and today my father’s great-grandchildren may never meet the majority of our extended family.

Our society no longer relies on the cohesion of family that the world of my father’s generation once did. Relationships are transient and sometimes short-lived. Many of us have blended families from multiple divorces and remarriages. We struggle to be present while balancing hectic schedules and the glut of mass communication. Out of convenience and immediacy, we look to technology for many major social connections. Instant messaging, social media, and email have become vital avenues for relationships. Most of us consider such readily available outlets our community even though there is little cohesion or even synergy in what, and whom, we connect with online. The impact of our “virtual” community is reducing our ability to develop real relationships.

Recently I read about a Boston College course focusing on Western Culture. Among the class topics is the development of social courage with an assignment in which students must successfully go on a traditional, face-to-face date. In her class, Professor Kerry Cronin has observed that “Gen Z” is seemly relationally impaired in comparison to previous generations, and this is most obvious in their inability to develop meaningful, intimate relationships.

The Wall Street Journal reports,

Welcome to Gen Z dating. Educators say the current generation in college is uniquely bad at romance. Online dating has created a (false) feeling of an endless buffet of romantic choices. And mobile technology—which this generation has never lived without—has been a security blanket of sorts that has kept them from developing solid in-person communication skills… [Dr. Kerry Cronin] has required the dating assignment for a number of years but says the current cohort of students is particularly in need of the lessons. As it is, she says, many members of Gen Z are opting out of dating altogether.[1]

In 2019, the results of one of the most extensive and most exhaustive scientific studies on homosexuality were published in Science Magazine: “Large-scale GWAS[2] reveals insights into the genetic architecture of same-sex sexual behavior.”[3] The study of nearly 500,000 participants disclosed that homosexual behavior could not be isolated to a single gene or even an identifiable grouping of genes. No measurable genetic difference was found between “gay” and “straight” people. As Dr. Paul Sullins explains, “The study found that a person's developmental environment—the influence of diet, family, friends, neighbourhood, religion, and a host of other life conditions—was twice as influential as genetics on the probability of adopting same-sex behaviour or orientation.“[4] Essentially, there is an interdependence of socio-cultural factors and physiology, with more weight on the impact of life circumstances and upbringing than biology.

Homosexual practice has existed since ancient times, but its development as a socially relevant identity is a modern phenomenon that has emerged over the last century. Right now, it seems like we are experiencing an explosion of homosexuality across the world. I believe we are watching our disconnected, technology-driven world bear fruit. Some might say that our more LGBTQ-tolerant cultures are enabling men and women to be more open. Millennials and the Z-generation are identifying as LGBTQ in droves. The self-perception that one is LGBTQ is exponentially increasing. We are watching a phenomenon emerge: the development of a subculture that is growing in strength, capable of shaping thought across the world.

A significant factor in this growth is the spread of an idea about ourselves. LGBTQ identity is subjective: that is, we evaluate ourselves to determine whether we are gay. That step of self-definition is shaping the lives and destinies of thousands of people. Being “gay” is not merely a state of being. For many, our self-analysis involved more than simply an erection or moment of sexual pleasure; it defined who we are. Masculine and feminine stereotypes, combined with feelings such as shame and insecurity, coupled with what we believe homosexuality to be leads us to identify as gay, bi, or lesbian. Taking on the label affirms our commitment to that self-understanding. Many of us who are members of CHANGED[5] are realizing there is also power in no longer identifying as LGBTQ. Exchanging that label for one of “son” or “daughter” of God has opened the door for many of us to experience transformation in our sexual desires and identities.

Our hearts and minds

Jesus teaches that what we think and feel—what is in our heart—controls how we act and respond to others.

‘Jesus said, "For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander."’ Matthew 15:19 (NIV)

I “came out” after years of secretly grappling with the idea that I was a lesbian. I had been introduced to the suggestion as a teen. Over several years, I examined myself to see if my life’s history aligned with what I understood lesbianism to be. In the end, I recall believing that lesbianism explained “why I was the way I was.” I reasoned it was the core issue behind failed relationships with men and deep emotional attachments to women. “Coming out” was cathartic. It felt as though I was being true to myself for the first time in my life. “Finally,” I thought, “I can be the person on the outside that I know myself to be on the inside.” In actuality, I didn’t really know who I was on the inside. In hindsight, I know that I was forcing myself into a self-concept that didn’t quite satisfy my heart, in exchange for social stability and a sense of a firm identity. Being a member of the LGBTQ community made me feel like I belonged to, and was a part of, something safe. That sense of comfort pushed me more deeply into the culture. In the end, however, I became increasingly depressed and suicidal. Nothing appeased my sense of loneliness and hopelessness, but I never attributed the despair to identifying as a lesbian. The subculture, the social justice awareness around it, and the mystique of living as a radical feminist lesbian all carried me into fighting for that cultural identity without question. That is, until I met Jesus, who showed me who I am, in light of who He is.

The community in which we are raised shapes our identities. As the GWAS study published in Science Magazine indicates, our life experiences in the context of family and community are central to the development of homosexual feelings. The Bible teaches that families and communities guide and develop the inner lives of children. Most of my interests, my demeanor, and even my self-concept have been influenced by those around me. We are not born with our life-long identity! As our culture is losing the fine art of cultivating healthy relationships, one of the consequences has been a dramatic increase in the identify crisis of our youth and young adults . Developing a healthy community around me has been essential to the renewing of my mind. My identity in Christ makes me aware of my life’s purpose, not only in how I experience life but also in the context of how I impact the world. Unfortunately, increasing isolation caused by our technology-focused culture is creating a myopic worldview.

Our increasing independence from one another empowers us to define ourselves as individuals, but at the same time, leaves us at a vulnerable loss. In fact, many in America cherish the idea of individualism and self-expression, while at the same time not really “knowing themselves;” that is, without comprehending the details behind their own uniqueness. Even worse, we have lost the understanding of how we influence and shape one another. We tend to think individualistically, focusing on our own rights, without considering the impact on the community around us. Cultivating life-long, sustained relationships is becoming increasingly rare, but it is vital to our well-being. The Bible’s illustrations of family and legacy reinforce this important point. Jews identified themselves as a nation connected to their heritage through families. “[Israel Is Not Cast Away] I say then, God has not rejected His people, has He? May it never be! For I too am an Israelite, a descendant of Abraham, of the tribe of Benjamin.” (Romans 11:1)

One cannot develop intimate and lasting relationships in a moment, but they are an essential component of human thriving. All of us are driven to fill these needs. In the end, some will do so in unhealthy ways.

It is vitally important that churches once again become a place of safety and family for our communities. As we anticipate revival and reformation in America, let us look for signs of the restoration of the church family, where people feel completely safe, empowered, and enriched together. Although “religion” has been a destructive factor in the lives of many LGBTQ-identifying people, surely God is raising up a new generation of Christians who can respond with grace and truth to the suffering behind all of our sexual brokenness. Christians have an opportunity to create a culture that restores godly intimacy in our lives. In the fully manifested Kingdom of God, marriages and families are whole, no person is objectified for sex, and no one is used for personal gain. All people will know that they are cherished and are essential to one another.

A new identity

Many people who question their sexuality have felt unseen and unknown by others. Without the feedback that healthy, long-term relationships bring, we often have no idea who we are ourselves. It’s common among us who have experienced same-sex attraction to be disconnected not only from those around us but also from ourselves. We question our sexuality, but really, we question who we are. Because sex is a quick route to intimacy, an experience of being deeply known, it becomes a central factor in our self-concept. God invites us out of the world’s thinking to benefit from and also establish a new culture—His Kingdom on earth. The social implications of Christ’s teachings provide the type of atmosphere that results in wholeness and transformation. Truly the gospel is the answer to all our sexual and relational brokenness.

A vital element to the journey out of the LGBTQ subculture is repentance with the embrace of one’s new identity in Christ. The person struggling with homosexuality is in a unique and beautiful position to enter God’s Kingdom because the way out requires taking up an entirely new sense of self.

“This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!” 2 Corinthians 5:17 NLT

Henri Nouwen in The Inner Voice of Love,[6] presents a beautifully clear idea of how this looks. He suggests that entering God’s Kingdom is akin to immigrating to a new nation. How will you steward your new citizenship? Years ago, I lived in Denmark as a student. I desired to belong, to have full access to Danish life, so I studied the Danish language, traditions, and dress in an effort to assimilate. It was important to me that no one recognize my American nationality so that I gained access to the privileges of my peers. This was particularly true when traveling through Europe. There was a stigma associated with being from the U.S. At the same time, other foreign immigrants lived in the same community as I. To protect their ethnic identity (heritage and traditional ways of life), they sought separation and refused to assimilate. They chose not to learn Danish or eat Danish foods. They lived in ghettos and enclaves. They insisted on special circumstances for themselves, and in so doing, dishonored Danish hospitality. They desired fair treatment but were never fully integrated into society. As a result, they missed out on the advantages of the Danish community and citizenship. This is true for Christians in God’s Kingdom as well. Our experience of salvation depends upon our willingness to let go of the things that once gave us identity in exchange for something entirely new. The Christian life involves active discovery and exploration of a new identity that is defined by God. His words, not our experience, have ultimate power and value.[7]

SPIRITUAL IMMATURITY

“And He was saying, “The kingdom of God is like a man who casts seed upon the soil; and he goes to bed at night and gets up by day, and the seed sprouts and grows—how, he himself does not know. The soil produces crops by itself; first the blade, then the head, then the mature grain in the head. But when the crop permits, he immediately puts in the sickle, because the harvest has come.” Mark 4:26-29 (NASB)

One of the most significant spiritual laws in Scripture is the requirement of progressive growth. Whether the new-born child or this year’s wheat field, life demands progress. The same is required of the human spirit. The born-again Christian engages in a life-long process of exploration and discovery of one’s new nature. Though spiritual maturity is not tied to physical age, growth does require time. Unfortunately, none of us are transfigured into Christ’s likeness the moment we are saved! Few things are as counter-cultural as the sanctification process, which requires discipleship and surrender. Doubt in God’s faithfulness and lack of trust in His ways leads many to give up. The enemy is using impatience, a signature hallmark of spiritual immaturity and our “instant” culture, as an effective strategy to block avenues of redemption for LGBTQ identifying people.

Developing the character of Christ

In her book Victorious Emotions, Wendy Backlund writes:

Often, we think that if God wants us happy He will just “zap” us. But joy and the enjoyment of life are like all the other promises of God. We have to use the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God, to kill the giants in our way. I used to think my circumstances were the giant that needed to be killed. But it soon became clear to me that my beliefs were the real enemy. I discovered that my circumstances were very difficult to permanently change without first changing what I believed about them. Our emotional transformation, or freedom, actually comes from renewing our mind. (See Romans 12:2)[8]

Jesus’ teaching focuses on character, or the heart. He invites disciples to observe the need for a new heart, a focus on a new way of thinking, to change the way we behave. God evaluates our inner lives, including the way we feel and what we think about. Through the Holy Spirit, God shapes our inner lives in order to restore His image in us.

“But the LORD said to Samuel, ‘Do not look at his appearance or at the height of his stature, because I have rejected him; for God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.’” 1 Samuel 16:7 NASB

No one achieves spiritual maturity and emotional wholeness in a moment. The journey away from LGBTQ identity requires character development that comes through discipleship and healthy introspection. Our minds must be renewed through regular prayer, study of scripture, experience of God’s presence and love, along with faith-filled community. Life in Christ is about more than rules or rituals. According to Christ’s teachings, God Invites us to walk as Jesus walked, with desires, hopes, intentions, generosity, and humility exactly like His. This is only possible through an intimate life with Jesus. Recall that our culture is severely lacking in intimate relationships, yet Christ calls us to know Him deeply and to be known by Him.

“This is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent.” John 17:3 NASB

In the secret place with Jesus we begin to cultivate intimacy with Him that transforms us from the inside out. He meets our deepest needs to be cherished and He knows us better than we know ourselves. The Holy Spirit gives us a new heart and then disciples us into a new self-awareness. As we see Him more clearly, we become like Him, and the effect impacts everything about our lives—including our thought world and the friendships we cultivate. This new heart and way of thinking is the essential key to sexual wholeness and it only comes through knowledge of God and relationship with Him.

I often think about the interactions Jesus had with his disciples. What went into the maturation process for those who knew Him? One of my favorite examples is Nathanael.

“The next day He purposed to go into Galilee, and He *found Philip. And Jesus *said to him, ‘Follow Me.’ Now Philip was from Bethsaida, of the city of Andrew and Peter. Philip *found Nathanael and *said to him, ‘We have found Him of whom Moses in the Law and also the Prophets wrote—Jesus of Nazareth, the son of Joseph.’ Nathanael said to him, ‘Can any good thing come out of Nazareth?’ Philip *said to him, ‘Come and see.’ Jesus saw Nathanael coming to Him, and *said of him, ‘Behold, an Israelite indeed, in whom there is no deceit!’ Nathanael *said to Him, ‘How do You know me?’ Jesus answered and said to him, ‘Before Philip called you, when you were under the fig tree, I saw you.’ Nathanael answered Him, ‘Rabbi, You are the Son of God; You are the King of Israel.’ Jesus answered and said to him, ‘Because I said to you that I saw you under the fig tree, do you believe? You will see greater things than these.’ And He *said to him, ‘Truly, truly, I say to you, you will see the heavens opened and the angels of God ascending and descending on the Son of Man.’” John 1:43-51 NASB

It’s easy to read this story and resonate with Nathanael’s skepticism. Though we may imagine an angry or sarcastic tone in Nathanael’s response, instead, I feel it reflects the depth of his understanding of the moment. As a follower of John, Nathanael was looking for a new way. He zealously was responding to the call to prepare for the Messiah’s appearing and the resulting overthrow of the Roman establishment. The force behind Nathanael’s tone indicates he knew the scriptures. He knew the Messiah would not emerge from Nazareth. Perhaps he had been a Pharisee or Scribe before joining John’s movement. Jesus’ words to Nathanael give an even greater understanding of his character. It becomes apparent that Nathanael was a man of prayer, but perhaps also of shame. Have you ever seen a wild fig tree? Its branches and leaves often extend all the way to the ground. It is unlikely that Jesus could have literally seen Nathanael under the fig tree. After all, its large leaves provided ample covering to Adam and Eve. In very few words, Jesus extends to Nathanael peace, covering, and empowerment. He offered a guiding word of identity to Nathanael that reshapes his seemingly sarcastic heart. Jesus declares Nathanael to be the man Nathanael most desired to be—righteous, redeemed, and a friend of the Messiah. This brief exchange reveals the way Jesus shapes our lives. He saw Nathanael’s heart for purity and righteousness, and subsequently empowered that reality by His words. Jesus’ declaration revealed both his heart and his hopes, and I believe they were established in Nathanael’s life as he repented and embraced Jesus, the Messiah. In the end, Jesus invited Nathanael to see all His works by walking with Him as a disciple. A powerful reward for changing his identity! He does the same for us.

We develop Christ’s character by seeing Him clearly and receiving His declarations over us. It involves a lifetime of Nathanael-like moments. Jesus looks beyond the superficial exterior we portray and into our hearts. Over and over in the gospels, we observe His interactions meeting the deepest needs of those He met through healings that touched both body and soul. For Nathanael, this looked like a word of truth and destiny. In blind Bartimaeus’ life, Jesus’ spittle addressed not only physical blindness but years of painful public humiliation. Jesus looked into the hearts of men and women to see their unique beauty and value. His model of perfect love draws each of us into repentance and surrender that empowers the Holy Spirit in our lives: this is the root of transformation in every Christian’s life. Entering into this life-altering relationship is the answer to our opening exclamation of despair. Does God restore our sexuality and even change sexual orientation? Yes, but only through a life-long, intimate relationship with Him. He creates the relationships and community we need for restoration and reversal of what has been stolen from us; it is our job to labor to enter into that rest.

By surrendering what we know of ourselves, including our self-perceptions, beliefs, and limited self-awareness, we enter into God’s promises. As with His apostles, Jesus calls us into our best selves: knowing our weaknesses but seeing our potential. Jesus understands what is necessary to bring us into His light. He wants wholeness in our bodies, hearts, and minds. True thriving, according to Jesus’ teachings, brings healthy relationships, positive awareness of our value and destiny, and the powerful confidence to live in relationship with God. But all of this requires process and trust.

God is calling people out of the LGBTQ subculture into His light. As He does, those churches who receive their new brothers and sisters in Christ will be greatly blessed by the creativity, beauty, and diversity of those who have surrendered their hearts to the Lord.

[1] Wall Street Journal “Dating 101, for the Romantically Challenged Gen Z”

https://www.wsj.com/articles/dating-101-for-the-romantically-challenged-gen-z-11552318023

[2] “genome-wide association study”

[3] https://science.sciencemag.org/content/365/6456/eaat7693

[4] https://www.mercatornet.com/conjugality/view/the-gay-gene-myth-has-been-exploded/22824

[5] CHANGED Movement is a network of Christians who no longer identify as LGBTQ. Changedmovement.com

[6] Henri Nouwen. The Inner Voice of Love https://www.worldcat.org/title/inner-voice-of-love-a-journey-through-anguish-to-freedom/oclc/870424801&referer=brief_results

[8] Backlund, Wendy. Victorious Emotions: Creating a Framework for a Happier You . https://www.worldcat.org/title/victorious-emotions-creating-a-framework-for-a-happier-you/oclc/1015252653&referer=brief_results

Elizabeth WoningFebruary 17, 2020