A gay couple with children walks into the church. What do you do?

Matthew 9:9–13 (NAS): As Jesus went on from there, He saw a man called Matthew, sitting in the tax collector’s booth; and He *said to him, “Follow Me!” And he got up and followed Him. Then it happened that as Jesus was reclining at the table in the house, behold, many tax collectors and sinners came and were dining with Jesus and His disciples. When the Pharisees saw this, they said to His disciples, “Why is your Teacher eating with the tax collectors and sinners?” But when Jesus heard this, He said, “It is not those who are healthy who need a physician, but those who are sick, But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire compassion, and not sacrifice,’ for I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”

Matthew 11:28-12:14 (ESV) Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. At that time Jesus went through the grainfields on the Sabbath. His disciples were hungry, and they began to pluck heads of grain and to eat. But when the Pharisees saw it, they said to him, “Look, your disciples are doing what is not lawful to do on the Sabbath.” He said to them, “Have you not read what David did when he was hungry, and those who were with him: how he entered the house of God and ate the bread of the Presence, which it was not lawful for him to eat nor for those who were with him, but only for the priests? Or have you not read in the Law how on the Sabbath the priests in the temple profane the Sabbath and are guiltless? I tell you, something greater than the temple is here. And if you had known what this means, ‘I desire mercy, and not sacrifice,’ you would not have condemned the guiltless. For the Son of Man is Lord of the Sabbath.” He went on from there and entered their synagogue. And a man was there with a withered hand. And they asked him, “Is it lawful to heal on the Sabbath?”—so that they might accuse him. He said to them, “Which one of you who has a sheep, if it falls into a pit on the Sabbath, will not take hold of it and lift it out? Of how much more value is a man than a sheep! So it is lawful to do good on the Sabbath.” Then he said to the man, “Stretch out your hand.” And the man stretched it out, and it was restored, healthy like the other. But the Pharisees went out and conspired against him, how to destroy him.”

In these two close passages from Matthew we see Jesus repeat, with strong language, “I desire mercy and not sacrifice.” His reference to Hosea 6.6 with this repetition must give us pause, inviting us to wonder how often He repeated this sentiment explicitly and implicitly in His ministry.

And so, the Lord cautions us from leading with “rules” or the “Law” when addressing people. I believe He first looks at the heart, and so this couple has entered your church searching for Jesus. Perhaps they have been raised in church and wish to impart that to their children, which is common; or, perhaps they’ve been invited by friends. And so, at the very beginning what would we want them to know about Jesus? Surely, it is that they are welcome to Him. He would go to their house and present His mercy to them.

Jesus is every person’s deepest heart’s desire.

In my first encounter with Jesus, He came to me with a response to the greatest point of pain in my faith journey: doubt. What ensued from that point was a firm but gentle journey of discovery that continues today. I’ve pondered why He chose not to confront me first about lesbianism and I’m aware that Jesus wanted to make Himself known to me in a very personal way. I needed to know He understood, loved and accepted me in order to move toward Him—He knew my deepest needs and desires. The journey beyond this first confrontation only made me desire fellowship with Him more and more. In it were countless discoveries of sin (shortfalls in my character and behavior), but also fear, doubt and frustration that were all met by His compassionate presence. I developed the desire to please Him as He continued to pursue me with longing and affirmation. 

My early season with Jesus was surrounded by Christians who sought a deep and reverential—a holy—experience of God. They were pursuing a lived and experiential understanding of His presence. There was an obvious pursuit by everyone to please God. I learned by observation what it looked like to respect God’s authority and power, and to humbly seek His goodness. I began searching for what that looked like privately in my own study of scripture and then I sought to experience His presence for myself.

Eventually, I began to correlate my understanding of God’s word with a lived experience of God. The two went together, leading me to seek to align more and more with His ways so that I could have greater intimacy with Jesus.

“Now therefore, if I have found favor in your sight, please show me now your ways, that I may know you in order to find favor in your sight.” Exodus‬ ‭33:13‬ ‭ESV‬‬

As I aligned more closely with His ways, my comprehension of His presence and love grew deeper and more rich. Drawing away into my gay world impacted my lived experience of Him. I’ve pondered this many times, particularly since I have heard my gay friends suggest that their sexual orientation and life in the gay community supported, not diminished, their experience of God. In this case, I feel that their community was the standard for righteousness that impacted their sense of distance or even conviction. Therefore, I feel the life of the congregation in which a gay person attends is absolutely vital to what they experience of God.

This might be confusing to some... knowing that God is unwavering in His character. However, I see this problem as a demand on God’s family—that we walk in Truth according to scripture. Otherwise, we become a terrifying stumbling block to those seeking Jesus. That is, it is possible to teach a diminished understanding of Jesus and His sovereignty. I believe one can be limited by their congregation’s knowledge of God and faith in Jesus Christ. An obvious example of this is that physical healing is unlikely to occur where there is no faith or hunger for it. 

And so, “What is Truth?” - Pontius Pilate

We must have a firm commitment that God has created male and female with intentionality, understanding that our physicality has spiritual and eternal significance as a signpost to God’s image. If you are uncertain about that, seek out some of my other writing on this topic. In Genesis, God only speaks of His image in terms of the two together, male and female. But, while same-sex sexuality denies the truth of our physical design, it supplies a means to compensate for breakdowns in our formative childhood experiences. The experience illustrates the power of personal belief (self-perception) and socialization on our physical bodies—that a thought would lead, for example, to sexual arousal. The Law of the Old Testament testifies to the power of behavior to shape ideas and ideas to impact our bodies. God uses the Law to shape a perception and behavior of what it means to be Israel, His representative on earth until Jesus.

In the same way, Jesus expands our understanding of the Law by revealing its impact on the human spirit, but also reveals Himself in the body through the incarnation. By doing this He extends the reach of His commands beyond Israel to the whole world (Gentiles), but also supplies the means of transformation. And so, it is rebirth and formation of the human spirit through receiving the words of Jesus that will impact this gay couple in your church. That surely must be your overarching vision for this couple, one that begins with mercy, but through community and empathetic discipleship also offers Truth.

As I close, I want to emphasize the necessity of empathy for this couple. That is, the need to comprehend what they are experiencing in your fellowship.

It may have been a long time since your most profound sins and weaknesses were confronted directly by Jesus. I can still recall with great clarity the impacts of realizing that my commitments to lesbianism as well as my lifetime of ungodly behaviors were sin that could eternally block communion with God. Though Jesus stood by, I was horrified, fearful and disappointed in that moment. My sorrow before Christ was met with His compassionate presence. I recall the leap I took from self-condemnation in order to trust His sovereignty and benevolence in that moment. I didn’t know how to embrace His vision for my womanhood, let alone walk out the obedience I understood was needed. All I could do is trust that my repentance would enable Him to create something in my life. I left the ultimate vision for this up to Him with no preconceived commitments. So, please understand that “reason,” that is, simple teaching about the commands of the Bible, does not create this moment. Though it can catalyze it, only Christ’s empathy with our condition draws us into His standards for righteousness. 

Gay people are harmed when they apply behavioral discipline without the Spirit of the Lord at work in their hearts.

In closing...

I have spoken to gay couples who have encountered the Lord’s love through encounters with Jesus that lead to dramatic decisions, including divorce. We might thoughtfully pray for this, remembering that this couple is deeply committed in love to one another and that they cherish their children. Together they ARE a family, though ill constructed, that shelters children. The incredible sacrifice required to dissolve this ungodly union is seen by God and only He can accomplish it without causing harm. Standing with this couple through such an ordeal requires much prayer, tenderness and close listening both to the couple and to God. Never presume that divorce first and primarily sets this couple right before God. That journey requires patient, sacrificial and empathetic relationship together. Therefore, it is vital that we follow His lead and lean into the guidance of the Holy Spirit—remembering that Jesus promises that our sacrifices come with God’s justice to heal hearts:

“And the disciples were amazed at his words. But Jesus said to them again, “Children, how difficult it is to enter the kingdom of God! It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the kingdom of God.” And they were exceedingly astonished, and said to him, “Then who can be saved?” Jesus looked at them and said, “With man it is impossible, but not with God. For all things are possible with God.” Peter began to say to him, “See, we have left everything and followed you.” Jesus said, “Truly, I say to you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or lands, for my sake and for the gospel, who will not receive a hundredfold now in this time, houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and lands, with persecutions, and in the age to come eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and the last first.”” Mark‬ ‭10:24-31‬ ‭ESV‬‬